TEA Party 2

We're here! We hate queers! Get used to it! And by "we" I mean us true blue Super-Sized Patriots who are FOR America and AGAINST high taxes. It's July 4th and for you foreigners reading this (and you shouldn't be because it's only for God-fearing Americans) that means it's our Independence Day. Don't you wish you had one? We get to celebrate by partying and blowing off fireworks and such. Us Americans drink more beer on this day than any other to show how independent we are and even though the fireworks come from China we still blow em' off anyway to scare the bejeezus out of our enemies. That's what we do.
But today is also another TEA Party day like last April 15th when us folks in the anti-tax movement got together to tell our leaders that we don't want to pay any more. The TEA in TEA Party stands for True Eligible Americans who are Taxed Enough Already and Totally Exceptionally Angry about it. We're tired of having to spend all this money for things we don't need or want like libraries and public schools, which is just Socialism. I don't use the library so why should I pay for someone else to get smarter than me? And how come the Government always taxes us Real Americans for the things we use like cigs, liquor, and carbon dioxide and not the Lieberal's stuff like tofu and cherry-flavored condoms? Huh? So we got together on this great day to send them a message. Quit taking our money and spending it on stuff! Enough already. Well it was raining here in Elgin so we were kind of a soggy bunch of Teabaggers but we kept our spirits up by singing God Bless America and admiring each other's signs. We was hoping to have a big name celebrity like Micky Dolenz of the Monkees show up but turns out he was already taken for the Dallas TEA party. They also had my hero Joe the Plumber there. Joe Wurtzenheimelburger is a fine American what with him facing down the Pro-Tax Anti-Christ Barack HUSSEIN Obama who will surely be raising our taxes when he gets around to it after socializing everything. We need more leaders like Joe now that we lost our Sarah Palin. These are dark days. But at least we can still gather together and do some serious tax complaining and get on the News, even if it's only Fox News and not the Lieberal media which is run by you-know-who from you-know-where. And it's nice to know that there are people around just like me who aren't afraid to tell the Truth about the secret One World Government Conspiracy to take God out of everything and replace Him with God Knows What. Probably tofu and cherry-flavored condoms. Well we're mad as hell and we're not going to take it sitting down. So get off the couch, put down the Cheetos and head for your nearest TEA Party! You'll be glad you did.

Please don't leave us Sarah

This just can't be happening. Our beloved Sarah Palin is saying that she's stepping down as Governess of the Free State of Alaska and getting out of politics. It's another surefire proof that we're in the Endtimes. This is like Jesus getting down off the cross, hanging up His crown of thorns, and saying He's getting out of the savior business altogether. And just the other day she was saying she could open up a can of whoopass on Not-My-President Barack HUSSEIN Obama and send him back to the Fires of Hell from where he came. That or Kenya. Same dif. I was all fired up by that. So I'm not sure what happened but maybe one of those witches that her church in Waspvilla was praying against put a spell on her. They do that. You people up there need to get your witch problem under control. Now I don't know if we can pray her back in but us True Christians should at least give it a try by using our best Extra Strength Prayers (Catholics and Mormons back off. You folks just confuse the Lord with yours). I'm sure if we give it our best shot we can break the spell on Our Lady Sarah and fight back against the dark forces of Satan and his Demoncrats. LORD, WE WANT SARAH BACK NOW! BLESS HER AND HER KIDS TRAC, TRAC II , TRIP AND THE REST. AMERICA NEEDS HER. AMEN. PS YOU CAN ALSO SEND JESUS BACK TOO IF YOU FEEL LIKE IT. Hope He heard that.

Don't lie for me Argentina

Satan sure is working overtime this summer bringing down our best Christian Republican American Patriotic Politicians. Now he's gotten South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford to have a little fling with some lady in Argentina. Mark had gone missing a few days including Father's Day and people were starting to talk. His staff said he was "hiking the Appalachian Trail" which may be what the young folks call doing the nasty now. I don't know. It turned out he actually went to Argentina with a lady friend. Of course I blame the Lieberals. They put ideas in people's heads when there weren't none before. Mark's always been a good man being against the gays having civil unions and adopting and being for prayer in schools and putting the Ten Commandments up and all. He says, "I have developed a relationship with what started as a dear, dear friend from Argentina… it began very innocently as I suspect these things do… just a casual email back and forth…” So let that be a lesson to all you people emailing and facebooking and twittering. Satan is always looking for a way to be your friend so don't you click on him. And Mark also said "I spent the last five days of my life crying in Argentina, so I can repeat it back in the United States". Not sure what he meant by that but a good cry ain't a bad idea if you're trying to convince people you're a sinner who's seen the light. And then he did a lot of apologizing. That's always a good thing. Because if people don't accept your apology then it's their problem. Anyhow since Mark is a Christian he gets instant forgiveness from Jesus and that's all that matters. So if you're living in the Palmetto State you know you're in the Palm of Jesus and His disciple Mark Sanford.

Another Beer Church

This beer in church thing seems to be catching on and all I can say is Praise the Lord. Turns out a Church in England was handing out free beer on Father's Day in order to attract the menfolk back into showing up on Sunday. They had the kids hand out bottles when the Dads came in. That brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it. Seems they're also trying bacon and chocolate to lure the Lost Sheep back to the fold. There's the Holy Trinity for me right there: Beer, Bacon and Chocolate. The Right Reverend John Inge, who's a Bishop in the Church of England says the free beer is symbolic of "the generosity of God" and "Jesus created a lot more wine at a point in the party when some thought that there had already been enough drinking. He was all in favour of partying." Well that's for sure. Jesus knew how to party. He brought the wine and He also invented the Friday fish fry. The Archdeacon of the church says, "we wanted to give a laddish, blokeish gift to the men. A bottle of beer hits the mark." It sure does. I'm not exactly sure what laddish or blokeish means, maybe it's Hebrew, but he's right about the beer. Of course there's a few naysayers that don't like the idea but I say whatever gets you in the Spirit has to be a good thing and nothing gets me in the Spirit faster than a six pack of fine malt beverages and a hunk of bacon. I don't forget to thank Jesus every time I pop a top. And you shouldn't either.

The Cafe Latte of Jesus

Wouldn't it be great if you woke up one day and instead of having your usual morning cup o' joe you had a nice steaming cup o' Jesus? Well that's what happened to this guy here. On the magical morning of April 29th Jerry Stolfi found Jesus staring back at him on his coffee mug, crown of thorns and all. After he'd drunk his coffee with cream, there He was. Jerry is keeping Him in a cupboard right above the kitchen exhaust fan. Now some of you sinners won't believe it and even one of Jerry's pals said "it looks like a bandana-clad John Rambo." You know where he'll be spending Eternity and you can bet he'll be wanting his coffee iced there. Jerry isn't sure why our Lord has blessed him with His Holy Image on a mug but he feels special now. He said, "You don't hear about an image like this coming to everybody every day. It's so rare." And that's so true. It's usually only once or twice a week that I hear about Jesus or His Mom popping up somewhere. The story says that Jerry has been praying every night and day since he became an altar boy. Now a lot of altar boys most likely are praying that something don't happen to them but Jerry has been praying that something would happen and now it has. And good for him. So next time you're brewing up another pot of java take the time to check out your mug. Your Chock Full o' Nuts just might be Chock Full o' Jesus. What a great way to start the day.

Conservative Christian Americans Doing What We Do Best

Rebuking Satan (aka David Letterman) in the name of our Lord. A Mighty Throng of Righteousness numbering in the tens descended upon the Socialist Sodomite Verbal Pedophile Stronghold of CBS and there was great gnashing of teeth and speaking in tongues and the Lord was mightily pleased.

If God In Heaven had a wife she would surely be Sarah Palin.

You're a Lumberjack and It's NOT Ok.

This one really steams my buns. Turns out some group called Gay Loggers For Jesus got a permit to march right before the patriot Teabaggers have their Tea Party meeting on the 4th of July in Bozeman, Montana. That just ain't right. First off you can't be a Gay and be for Jesus whether you're a lumberjack or not. Jesus may have been a carpenter and maybe jacked some lumber himself in his day but not in the same way these guys mean. No way. Also, the 4th of July is our sacred National Holiday to commemorate the founding of this great nation and complain about our high taxes, not to prance about doing God knows what. Our Founding Fathers would be shocked and ashamed and if they'd know'd it would come to this maybe not bothered altogether. Not only do we have high taxes, a president who's a Socialist Islamite from Kenya who's sold our car companies to foreigners, now we got Gay Loggers cavorting around in public.
It turns out the Bozmanians wanted the Tea Party to pay for closing the main street and they wouldn't. Good for them. Why should they? Just cause the city has to pay for it out of the taxes don't mean us Patriots should pay. And just because these Gay Loggers are paying for their parade don't mean we should pay for ours. Ours is an American Patriotic event and theirs isn't. I just hope there aren't any Gay Loggers at our Elgin Tea Party or Gay anything for that matter. We just want to have an American Tea Party with American wieners and American beer and do a little tax revolting in the American way. I hope to see you there.

Us Christians Need to Pray for Senator Ensign

Senator John Ensign from Nevada is being attacked in the Lieberal press for having a tiny little affair with some staffer who was also married and who probably led him astray. Women can do that like how Eve got Adam to eat the apple. The senator is busy apologizing to everybody today and that should be that. After all at least he's not a homo. He's a proud patriotic Republican who got a 100% percent rating from the Christian Coalition for his wide Pro-Family stance a while back and he's for making sure the Homosexualists can't marry amongst other things. He said "I know that I have deeply hurt and disappointed my wife, my children, my family, my friends, my staff and the people of Nevada who believed in me not just as a legislator but as a person." So now it's between him and Jesus and everyone else should just butt out. His wife Darlene forgave him like a good Christian wife ought to and now she says their marriage is stronger than ever. She found out a year ago and I guess John just forgot to tell anybody else about it til now. That's ok. It's none of our business when a fine Patriotic Conservative American like him goes to alleycatting around once in a while. Don't mean he's not working away on keeping the Atheist Lieberal menace from destroying our families the rest of the time. I'm sure Jesus will give him a free pass on this one. I know I will. So if you're one of those gossiping types who are going to make jokes about him like that communist Dave Letterman did about Sarah Palin you are in for a prayin' at from me. Leave Senator Ensign alone. He ain't perfect but at least he has a birth certificate.

Some Mormon Boys Come In My House

Today two Mormon boys rung my bell. They was well dressed and very polite so it's just too bad they are going to Hell. At least that's what Pastor Coot says about them since they don't believe in the same Jesus us Real Christians believe in. There's isn't anywhere near as good. Well I offered them a beer and they said that Mormons weren't allowed to drink beer which is a deal breaker for any religion in my book. Anyways they start telling me about the Book of Mormon which says Jesus came to the Indians (the "me like firewater" kind not the "would you like some curry" kind) after he got done with the Jews and in fact the Indians are actually Jews that got really really lost somehow. Well that don't make much sense to me since they don't look anything alike and a warbonnet don't look anything like them Jew hats although it's true neither of them can hold their liquor. So that didn't go over too well. I asked them how many wives they were going to get to which they looked a little hurt and they said God changed His mind about that and they don't get more than one any more (which seems plenty me) . They said it was all in another book they have called the "D and C" which I think stood for "Doctorings and Coverups" or somesuch, (at this point they was getting kind of red faced and talking pretty fast so I'm not exactly sure) and even though their leader Mr. Smith said God said they should have more than one wife He told a later guy not to in the "Democrats and Cuticles" or whatever. That seems strange to me. God don't usually change His mind, although He did about the pork thing so we could have ham on Easter but not about the big stuff. But anyway I asked them in on the pretext of ministering to my daughter Eustacia hoping maybe one of them would take a fancy to her. I kind of lied and said she was couch-ridden which isn't really true as she does get up during commercials. At this point I'd take a Mormon or even a Muslin as a son-in-law as long as they got her off that damn couch and out of my house. I'm a bit desperate on that. The floorboards are starting to sag there. Well they took one look at her and were headed back for the door so I started to pray and speak in tongues and lay hands on them hoping to move the demon Mormon spirit out of them but that just got them even more riled and out the window they went. I'm going to have to mend the screen now. As they was running away they was crossing something out in a book and I guess they won't be back. I'll just leave it in the Lord's hands I figure but maybe I should of done better at ministering unto them and maybe I shouldn't of answered the door in my underwear.

Get thee behind me Satan

Jesus is everywhere, even in the bathroom as this picture shows, and us Christians can call on him any time to save us. And for all you potty-mouthed Atheistic Lieberals who don't believe it here's a story to prove it. This comes from WSB news/talk radio in Atlanta:

Christ Saves Woman from Attack

An Austell woman is thanking Jesus for saving her from an attacker. Francesca Cowan tells Channel 2 Action News, 37-year-old Anthony Pruitt came to her home on Winternest Drive and when he tried to kiss her and she refused, he attacked her. "He put my head in the toilet and flushed the toilet about three times; and then I just said to him, 'In the name of Jesus, stop and he stopped. He was startled; and I said in the name of Jesus, stop. I just kept saying it and he finally stopped,'" said Cowan. Cowan's 16-year-old daughter, who was at home at the time, called police. Pruitt has been charged with kidnapping, battery, two counts of aggravated assault, and other charges.

Now I've had my head in the toilet asking Jesus for help a few times in my life. Just last week as a matter of fact after I ate some of Satan's deviled egg salad. and He come through for me but I never had someone else there pushing me in like this lady. At least not that I can remember. You know how it is. But if I had then I can bet Jesus would have answered the call too. He can flush the sins from your life and wipe them away if you just ask Him to. He can protect you and yours from any evil from the Bowels of Hell that may accost you and make you a regular Christian again. God says it and I believe it.

UPDATE: WSB news/radio has now reposted the same story with the headline Jesus Saved Woman, Literally. Can't get any clearer than that.