Don't lie for me Argentina

Satan sure is working overtime this summer bringing down our best Christian Republican American Patriotic Politicians. Now he's gotten South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford to have a little fling with some lady in Argentina. Mark had gone missing a few days including Father's Day and people were starting to talk. His staff said he was "hiking the Appalachian Trail" which may be what the young folks call doing the nasty now. I don't know. It turned out he actually went to Argentina with a lady friend. Of course I blame the Lieberals. They put ideas in people's heads when there weren't none before. Mark's always been a good man being against the gays having civil unions and adopting and being for prayer in schools and putting the Ten Commandments up and all. He says, "I have developed a relationship with what started as a dear, dear friend from Argentina… it began very innocently as I suspect these things do… just a casual email back and forth…” So let that be a lesson to all you people emailing and facebooking and twittering. Satan is always looking for a way to be your friend so don't you click on him. And Mark also said "I spent the last five days of my life crying in Argentina, so I can repeat it back in the United States". Not sure what he meant by that but a good cry ain't a bad idea if you're trying to convince people you're a sinner who's seen the light. And then he did a lot of apologizing. That's always a good thing. Because if people don't accept your apology then it's their problem. Anyhow since Mark is a Christian he gets instant forgiveness from Jesus and that's all that matters. So if you're living in the Palmetto State you know you're in the Palm of Jesus and His disciple Mark Sanford.

Another Beer Church

This beer in church thing seems to be catching on and all I can say is Praise the Lord. Turns out a Church in England was handing out free beer on Father's Day in order to attract the menfolk back into showing up on Sunday. They had the kids hand out bottles when the Dads came in. That brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it. Seems they're also trying bacon and chocolate to lure the Lost Sheep back to the fold. There's the Holy Trinity for me right there: Beer, Bacon and Chocolate. The Right Reverend John Inge, who's a Bishop in the Church of England says the free beer is symbolic of "the generosity of God" and "Jesus created a lot more wine at a point in the party when some thought that there had already been enough drinking. He was all in favour of partying." Well that's for sure. Jesus knew how to party. He brought the wine and He also invented the Friday fish fry. The Archdeacon of the church says, "we wanted to give a laddish, blokeish gift to the men. A bottle of beer hits the mark." It sure does. I'm not exactly sure what laddish or blokeish means, maybe it's Hebrew, but he's right about the beer. Of course there's a few naysayers that don't like the idea but I say whatever gets you in the Spirit has to be a good thing and nothing gets me in the Spirit faster than a six pack of fine malt beverages and a hunk of bacon. I don't forget to thank Jesus every time I pop a top. And you shouldn't either.

The Cafe Latte of Jesus

Wouldn't it be great if you woke up one day and instead of having your usual morning cup o' joe you had a nice steaming cup o' Jesus? Well that's what happened to this guy here. On the magical morning of April 29th Jerry Stolfi found Jesus staring back at him on his coffee mug, crown of thorns and all. After he'd drunk his coffee with cream, there He was. Jerry is keeping Him in a cupboard right above the kitchen exhaust fan. Now some of you sinners won't believe it and even one of Jerry's pals said "it looks like a bandana-clad John Rambo." You know where he'll be spending Eternity and you can bet he'll be wanting his coffee iced there. Jerry isn't sure why our Lord has blessed him with His Holy Image on a mug but he feels special now. He said, "You don't hear about an image like this coming to everybody every day. It's so rare." And that's so true. It's usually only once or twice a week that I hear about Jesus or His Mom popping up somewhere. The story says that Jerry has been praying every night and day since he became an altar boy. Now a lot of altar boys most likely are praying that something don't happen to them but Jerry has been praying that something would happen and now it has. And good for him. So next time you're brewing up another pot of java take the time to check out your mug. Your Chock Full o' Nuts just might be Chock Full o' Jesus. What a great way to start the day.

Conservative Christian Americans Doing What We Do Best

Rebuking Satan (aka David Letterman) in the name of our Lord. A Mighty Throng of Righteousness numbering in the tens descended upon the Socialist Sodomite Verbal Pedophile Stronghold of CBS and there was great gnashing of teeth and speaking in tongues and the Lord was mightily pleased.

If God In Heaven had a wife she would surely be Sarah Palin.

You're a Lumberjack and It's NOT Ok.

This one really steams my buns. Turns out some group called Gay Loggers For Jesus got a permit to march right before the patriot Teabaggers have their Tea Party meeting on the 4th of July in Bozeman, Montana. That just ain't right. First off you can't be a Gay and be for Jesus whether you're a lumberjack or not. Jesus may have been a carpenter and maybe jacked some lumber himself in his day but not in the same way these guys mean. No way. Also, the 4th of July is our sacred National Holiday to commemorate the founding of this great nation and complain about our high taxes, not to prance about doing God knows what. Our Founding Fathers would be shocked and ashamed and if they'd know'd it would come to this maybe not bothered altogether. Not only do we have high taxes, a president who's a Socialist Islamite from Kenya who's sold our car companies to foreigners, now we got Gay Loggers cavorting around in public.
It turns out the Bozmanians wanted the Tea Party to pay for closing the main street and they wouldn't. Good for them. Why should they? Just cause the city has to pay for it out of the taxes don't mean us Patriots should pay. And just because these Gay Loggers are paying for their parade don't mean we should pay for ours. Ours is an American Patriotic event and theirs isn't. I just hope there aren't any Gay Loggers at our Elgin Tea Party or Gay anything for that matter. We just want to have an American Tea Party with American wieners and American beer and do a little tax revolting in the American way. I hope to see you there.

Us Christians Need to Pray for Senator Ensign

Senator John Ensign from Nevada is being attacked in the Lieberal press for having a tiny little affair with some staffer who was also married and who probably led him astray. Women can do that like how Eve got Adam to eat the apple. The senator is busy apologizing to everybody today and that should be that. After all at least he's not a homo. He's a proud patriotic Republican who got a 100% percent rating from the Christian Coalition for his wide Pro-Family stance a while back and he's for making sure the Homosexualists can't marry amongst other things. He said "I know that I have deeply hurt and disappointed my wife, my children, my family, my friends, my staff and the people of Nevada who believed in me not just as a legislator but as a person." So now it's between him and Jesus and everyone else should just butt out. His wife Darlene forgave him like a good Christian wife ought to and now she says their marriage is stronger than ever. She found out a year ago and I guess John just forgot to tell anybody else about it til now. That's ok. It's none of our business when a fine Patriotic Conservative American like him goes to alleycatting around once in a while. Don't mean he's not working away on keeping the Atheist Lieberal menace from destroying our families the rest of the time. I'm sure Jesus will give him a free pass on this one. I know I will. So if you're one of those gossiping types who are going to make jokes about him like that communist Dave Letterman did about Sarah Palin you are in for a prayin' at from me. Leave Senator Ensign alone. He ain't perfect but at least he has a birth certificate.

Some Mormon Boys Come In My House

Today two Mormon boys rung my bell. They was well dressed and very polite so it's just too bad they are going to Hell. At least that's what Pastor Coot says about them since they don't believe in the same Jesus us Real Christians believe in. There's isn't anywhere near as good. Well I offered them a beer and they said that Mormons weren't allowed to drink beer which is a deal breaker for any religion in my book. Anyways they start telling me about the Book of Mormon which says Jesus came to the Indians (the "me like firewater" kind not the "would you like some curry" kind) after he got done with the Jews and in fact the Indians are actually Jews that got really really lost somehow. Well that don't make much sense to me since they don't look anything alike and a warbonnet don't look anything like them Jew hats although it's true neither of them can hold their liquor. So that didn't go over too well. I asked them how many wives they were going to get to which they looked a little hurt and they said God changed His mind about that and they don't get more than one any more (which seems plenty me) . They said it was all in another book they have called the "D and C" which I think stood for "Doctorings and Coverups" or somesuch, (at this point they was getting kind of red faced and talking pretty fast so I'm not exactly sure) and even though their leader Mr. Smith said God said they should have more than one wife He told a later guy not to in the "Democrats and Cuticles" or whatever. That seems strange to me. God don't usually change His mind, although He did about the pork thing so we could have ham on Easter but not about the big stuff. But anyway I asked them in on the pretext of ministering to my daughter Eustacia hoping maybe one of them would take a fancy to her. I kind of lied and said she was couch-ridden which isn't really true as she does get up during commercials. At this point I'd take a Mormon or even a Muslin as a son-in-law as long as they got her off that damn couch and out of my house. I'm a bit desperate on that. The floorboards are starting to sag there. Well they took one look at her and were headed back for the door so I started to pray and speak in tongues and lay hands on them hoping to move the demon Mormon spirit out of them but that just got them even more riled and out the window they went. I'm going to have to mend the screen now. As they was running away they was crossing something out in a book and I guess they won't be back. I'll just leave it in the Lord's hands I figure but maybe I should of done better at ministering unto them and maybe I shouldn't of answered the door in my underwear.

Get thee behind me Satan

Jesus is everywhere, even in the bathroom as this picture shows, and us Christians can call on him any time to save us. And for all you potty-mouthed Atheistic Lieberals who don't believe it here's a story to prove it. This comes from WSB news/talk radio in Atlanta:

Christ Saves Woman from Attack

An Austell woman is thanking Jesus for saving her from an attacker. Francesca Cowan tells Channel 2 Action News, 37-year-old Anthony Pruitt came to her home on Winternest Drive and when he tried to kiss her and she refused, he attacked her. "He put my head in the toilet and flushed the toilet about three times; and then I just said to him, 'In the name of Jesus, stop and he stopped. He was startled; and I said in the name of Jesus, stop. I just kept saying it and he finally stopped,'" said Cowan. Cowan's 16-year-old daughter, who was at home at the time, called police. Pruitt has been charged with kidnapping, battery, two counts of aggravated assault, and other charges.

Now I've had my head in the toilet asking Jesus for help a few times in my life. Just last week as a matter of fact after I ate some of Satan's deviled egg salad. and He come through for me but I never had someone else there pushing me in like this lady. At least not that I can remember. You know how it is. But if I had then I can bet Jesus would have answered the call too. He can flush the sins from your life and wipe them away if you just ask Him to. He can protect you and yours from any evil from the Bowels of Hell that may accost you and make you a regular Christian again. God says it and I believe it.

UPDATE: WSB news/radio has now reposted the same story with the headline Jesus Saved Woman, Literally. Can't get any clearer than that.

Racking 'em up for Jesus

In these dark days of the Endtimes it's hard to keep kids on the straight and narrow. God knows it's hard for even a Christian parent like me to do it. I have to pray double every day to keep my daughter Eustacia from sitting around doing nothing but watching that Oprah woman on the TV and all her ungodly New Age nonsense. Getting her out of that chair takes the patience of a saint or maybe a Mack truck and a hoist. One or the other. So it's nice to see someone motivating the young folk like The Honorable Judge Ray Grimes who runs the Truancy Court in Clarksville, Tennessee. He invited Eric “The Preacher” Yow, who's a lawyer, a professional pool shark and also a Pulpit Minister for the Church of Christ to show the kids some trick pool shots that will no doubt get them back on track. Like he says, “Just as Jesus used parables to teach important Gospel messages, I demonstrate by illustrative pool trick shots and stories from my life significant life lessons that these troubled teens greatly need to hear.” Well that makes sense to me. I'm sure Jesus would've done the same thing if they'd had pool back then. I guess the lesson is that life is like a game of pool. You need to place a side bet on Jesus and hustle to win and with a little help from the Lord you will walk away with the prize. You need to keep your cue stick chalked up and in the game and get your balls in the right places and you'll succeed. I'm inspired myself just thinking about The Preacher's message and what kid wouldn't be? So if you've got a kid who's making trouble or not showing up at school why don't you take him on down to your local pool hall and give him a good motivating like Preacher Yow and maybe you'll wind up with a winner. Make a bank shot for the Lord.

Beer Church

Now here's a great idea. A good Christian by the name of Minister Ryan Tucker has started a church that meets every Sunday at the Yellowstone Valley Brewing Company taproom in Billings, Montana. Now you all know I love beer almost as much as I love Jesus, a Christian America and low taxes so the idea of hoisting a few for Jesus sure sounds divinely inspired to me. I know Jesus was mostly a wine man but He probably drank a few beers now and then too even if the Bible don't say so. Minister Tucker calls his beer church The Well and his meetings Theology on Tap and according to the story he likes to have a brew handy while he's giving his sermon. His motto is "come to church and have a beer". Catchy. Minister Tucker also wants to "include communion and occasional baptism services" and I think that's a great idea too. I'm sure baptizing people with beer is at least as holy as plain old water if not more so. Getting baptized in a beer vat would be my idea of being Filled with the Spirit. And Communing with wine and bread is ok but using beer and mini-cheeseburgers instead would sure bring a lot more people to Jesus. Too bad our brewpub in Elgin closed down due to hard times otherwise I might like to take up the calling too even if Pastor Coot at the Second Elgin Church of Jesus Christ Our Lord and Savior would miss me. To be honest his sermons would go down a lot better with a couple brewskis. They tend to drag on some and let's face it, Bible study can make you awful thirsty. Anyhow good for Minister Tucker and his congregation. They're probably the only one in America that goes home after church with a designated driver.

Live blogging of EMCRAM meeting 4

2:00PM Meeting of the Elgin Men's Christian Revivalist American Militia is called to order. Present: Me, Elrod Klempschmidt and Fremont along with the EMCRAM Ladies' Auxiliary which is my daughter Eustacia, her friend Tonowanda, Elvira Klempschmidt and Fremont's girlfriend FloraJoJean.
2:01PM Reading of the minutes: there aren't any because nobody kept them. Probably not a big loss. Best not to leave a paper trail for the enemy anyway.
2:10PM Agenda: Us men are going to continue our militia training and have a few beers and the womenfolk are going to see about designing us some uniforms since we don't have any. FloraJoJean suggests berets. Discussion: too French. Elrod insists everything should be cotton (American) because anything else makes him sweat like a pig. We decide on camouflage since we'll need that for when the UN troops arrive. We also want lots of pockets and a utility belt like Batman has.
3:00PM Lunch: Elvira brought her goddamn egg salad again but it looks a little green and brown so thank God we're not having it and ordering a pizza instead. The girls decide the egg salad does have the right color scheme for the uniforms so some good comes out of it.
3:30PM Pizza arrives. Maybe I should of ordered a bigger one as Eustacia and Tonowanda have eaten most of it before it gets to the table.
4:00PM The gals go outside for a break. They get to talking to our neighbor Mrs. Ochomadre over the fence. I think that's her name. I don't speak Mexican. We're staying inside to plot more strategy. We send Fremont to get another 12 pack. You have to watch your weight when you're militia training so we get Coors Light.
4:15PM Elvira and Mrs. Ochomadre are at it. Mrs. Ochomadre said Elvira's pink spandex makes her butt look like a giant wad of bubblegum someone spit out and Elvira told her she looks like a corndog dipped in bleach and she should get back to her brown roots and stop trying to look Aryan. I tell them they're both pretty but they tell me to shut up. I'm getting the hose out. Thank God for our border fence.
4:30PM Military Strategy Preparedness Film: Ice Station Zebra.
5:30PM Elvira says she's bored and is pouring Elrod into the car and taking him home. She says if I don't like it she'll beat me to death with the egg salad bowl. God does not like a mouthy woman and I sure don't either.
6:00PM There being no further business and we being out of both beer and pizza, meeting is adjourned. God Save the Republic.

D-List for Jesus: Stryper and Hookers for Jesus

Stryper, one of my all time favorite Christian heavy metal bands is in the news. Seems they're making a comeback and the lead guitarist Oz Fox is going to marry the gal from the Hookers for Jesus Ministry, Annie Lobert, and they're going to do it live on TV from the Church at South Las Vegas. Don't that just scream Sanctity of Marriage to you? Take that homos.
I've always loved Stryper. We're supposed to make a Righteous Noise for Jesus and they make more noise than anyone. Back in the 80's when they were big I took Elrod to one of their concerts before he was Saved. I guess he had taken some illegal substance (just say no) and it kicked in after the first song. He started screaming about how he was being attacked by giant transsexual bumblebees. I had to sit on him until he calmed down. He found Jesus after that and hasn't let go since so you know Stryper is doing the Lord's work. Well they're back together now working on a new album called "Murder by Pride". I assume they mean Gay Pride.
Anyhow, Hookers for Jesus (if you're thinking Hooters for Jesus you need prayin' for) is run by Annie who used to be one. A Vegas hooker that is. Then one of her customers convinced her to come to Jesus. Good for you, little lady. She started ministering unto the other hookers and going on the 700 club and the Jim Bakker Show and wrote a book called Hooker for Jesus. She and Oz are the perfect Christian couple if you ask me. Filled with the spirit and they both have nice hair. They are going to hook a lot of people for Jesus.

Bring Your Gun to Church Day

A God Fearing and Gun Toting Church in the proud red state of Kentucky is having an "Open Carry Church Service" where you bring your guns to church and I'll bet Jesus couldn't be more pleased. I know I am and when I'm pleased I'm pretty sure Jesus is too. Pastor Pagano of the Spirit-filled Assemblies of God New Bethel Church decided to have this Patriotic event. Like he says, "Not every branch of Christianity is pacifistic". And thank God for that. Lots of churches think Jesus was some kind of long haired hippie who was for peace and that's not true. Now the truth is they hadn't invented scissors or guns yet so He might have been a bit long haired and didn't own a gun but when He comes back I'm sure He'll get His hair cut and will be Pro-Gun. Although maybe He can't get His hair cut by regular folk like Superman couldn't because the scissors would break. Not sure how he did that. Anyway, I hope Pastor Pagano gets a big crowd. The only thing I disagree with him about is he wants people to bring their guns unloaded. What's the point of that? Be Prepared I always say. He also says to bring a canned good but I'm saving mine for the Tribulation which will be pre or post Millennial depending on who you ask. Either way I've got enough baked beans and pickled beets to last the whole 7 years, at least I hope so. The way my daughter Eustacia goes through food I just don't know. So I'm all for this idea and I'm going to pass it on to Pastor Coot at the Second Elgin Church of Jesus Christ Our Lord and Savior. Here in Illinois we might have some problems with it since we're not as forward thinking as Kentucky and don't have Concealed Carry laws and such but maybe that will change soon. I'm praying on it. And you should too.

New Hampshire Falls to the Homosexualists

Folks it's getting bad out there in New England. I say we just give the whole place back to Old England. New Hampshire has gone and destroyed the Sanctity of Marriage. The Granite State has gone soft. I guess it's the Pink Granite State now. Because of this I am boycotting and I won't be able to buy that granite kitchen counter top my daughter Eustacia has been nagging me about. It just seems there's no stopping them but I'm not ready to give up like Dr. Dobson from Focus On The Family who said, "There is nothing you can do at this time about what is taking place because there is simply no limit to what the left can do at this time. Anything they want, they get and so we can't stop them.....And so what you can do is pray, pray for this great nation... As I see it, there is no other answer. There's no other answer, short term." Well I'm no Surrender Monkey like him (I'm no monkey at all like I keep telling those damned Evolutionists) and I say we can't quit just because the enemy won a few rounds. Like Winston Churchill would say if he were still around: Even though large tracts of America and many old and famous States have fallen or may fall into the grip of the Gaystapo and all the odious apparatus of Lieberal rule, we shall not flag or fail.We shall fight on the gay beaches. We shall fight on the pride parade grounds. We shall fight at the antique shows. We shall never surrender.