Saturday, July 4, 2009

TEA Party 2

We're here! We hate queers! Get used to it! And by "we" I mean us true blue Super-Sized Patriots who are FOR America and AGAINST high taxes. It's July 4th and for you foreigners reading this (and you shouldn't be because it's only for God-fearing Americans) that means it's our Independence Day. Don't you wish you had one? We get to celebrate by partying and blowing off fireworks and such. Us Americans drink more beer on this day than any other to show how independent we are and even though the fireworks come from China we still blow em' off anyway to scare the bejeezus out of our enemies. That's what we do.
But today is also another TEA Party day like last April 15th when us folks in the anti-tax movement got together to tell our leaders that we don't want to pay any more. The TEA in TEA Party stands for True Eligible Americans who are Taxed Enough Already and Totally Exceptionally Angry about it. We're tired of having to spend all this money for things we don't need or want like libraries and public schools, which is just Socialism. I don't use the library so why should I pay for someone else to get smarter than me? And how come the Government always taxes us Real Americans for the things we use like cigs, liquor, and carbon dioxide and not the Lieberal's stuff like tofu and cherry-flavored condoms? Huh? So we got together on this great day to send them a message. Quit taking our money and spending it on stuff! Enough already. Well it was raining here in Elgin so we were kind of a soggy bunch of Teabaggers but we kept our spirits up by singing God Bless America and admiring each other's signs. We was hoping to have a big name celebrity like Micky Dolenz of the Monkees show up but turns out he was already taken for the Dallas TEA party. They also had my hero Joe the Plumber there. Joe Wurtzenheimelburger is a fine American what with him facing down the Pro-Tax Anti-Christ Barack HUSSEIN Obama who will surely be raising our taxes when he gets around to it after socializing everything. We need more leaders like Joe now that we lost our Sarah Palin. These are dark days. But at least we can still gather together and do some serious tax complaining and get on the News, even if it's only Fox News and not the Lieberal media which is run by you-know-who from you-know-where. And it's nice to know that there are people around just like me who aren't afraid to tell the Truth about the secret One World Government Conspiracy to take God out of everything and replace Him with God Knows What. Probably tofu and cherry-flavored condoms. Well we're mad as hell and we're not going to take it sitting down. So get off the couch, put down the Cheetos and head for your nearest TEA Party! You'll be glad you did.

Friday, July 3, 2009

Please don't leave us Sarah

This just can't be happening. Our beloved Sarah Palin is saying that she's stepping down as Governess of the Free State of Alaska and getting out of politics. It's another surefire proof that we're in the Endtimes. This is like Jesus getting down off the cross, hanging up His crown of thorns, and saying He's getting out of the savior business altogether. And just the other day she was saying she could open up a can of whoopass on Not-My-President Barack HUSSEIN Obama and send him back to the Fires of Hell from where he came. That or Kenya. Same dif. I was all fired up by that. So I'm not sure what happened but maybe one of those witches that her church in Waspvilla was praying against put a spell on her. They do that. You people up there need to get your witch problem under control. Now I don't know if we can pray her back in but us True Christians should at least give it a try by using our best Extra Strength Prayers (Catholics and Mormons back off. You folks just confuse the Lord with yours). I'm sure if we give it our best shot we can break the spell on Our Lady Sarah and fight back against the dark forces of Satan and his Demoncrats. LORD, WE WANT SARAH BACK NOW! BLESS HER AND HER KIDS TRAC, TRAC II , TRIP AND THE REST. AMERICA NEEDS HER. AMEN. PS YOU CAN ALSO SEND JESUS BACK TOO IF YOU FEEL LIKE IT. Hope He heard that.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Don't lie for me Argentina

Satan sure is working overtime this summer bringing down our best Christian Republican American Patriotic Politicians. Now he's gotten South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford to have a little fling with some lady in Argentina. Mark had gone missing a few days including Father's Day and people were starting to talk. His staff said he was "hiking the Appalachian Trail" which may be what the young folks call doing the nasty now. I don't know. It turned out he actually went to Argentina with a lady friend. Of course I blame the Lieberals. They put ideas in people's heads when there weren't none before. Mark's always been a good man being against the gays having civil unions and adopting and being for prayer in schools and putting the Ten Commandments up and all. He says, "I have developed a relationship with what started as a dear, dear friend from Argentina… it began very innocently as I suspect these things do… just a casual email back and forth…” So let that be a lesson to all you people emailing and facebooking and twittering. Satan is always looking for a way to be your friend so don't you click on him. And Mark also said "I spent the last five days of my life crying in Argentina, so I can repeat it back in the United States". Not sure what he meant by that but a good cry ain't a bad idea if you're trying to convince people you're a sinner who's seen the light. And then he did a lot of apologizing. That's always a good thing. Because if people don't accept your apology then it's their problem. Anyhow since Mark is a Christian he gets instant forgiveness from Jesus and that's all that matters. So if you're living in the Palmetto State you know you're in the Palm of Jesus and His disciple Mark Sanford.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Another Beer Church

This beer in church thing seems to be catching on and all I can say is Praise the Lord. Turns out a Church in England was handing out free beer on Father's Day in order to attract the menfolk back into showing up on Sunday. They had the kids hand out bottles when the Dads came in. That brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it. Seems they're also trying bacon and chocolate to lure the Lost Sheep back to the fold. There's the Holy Trinity for me right there: Beer, Bacon and Chocolate. The Right Reverend John Inge, who's a Bishop in the Church of England says the free beer is symbolic of "the generosity of God" and "Jesus created a lot more wine at a point in the party when some thought that there had already been enough drinking. He was all in favour of partying." Well that's for sure. Jesus knew how to party. He brought the wine and He also invented the Friday fish fry. The Archdeacon of the church says, "we wanted to give a laddish, blokeish gift to the men. A bottle of beer hits the mark." It sure does. I'm not exactly sure what laddish or blokeish means, maybe it's Hebrew, but he's right about the beer. Of course there's a few naysayers that don't like the idea but I say whatever gets you in the Spirit has to be a good thing and nothing gets me in the Spirit faster than a six pack of fine malt beverages and a hunk of bacon. I don't forget to thank Jesus every time I pop a top. And you shouldn't either.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

The Cafe Latte of Jesus

Wouldn't it be great if you woke up one day and instead of having your usual morning cup o' joe you had a nice steaming cup o' Jesus? Well that's what happened to this guy here. On the magical morning of April 29th Jerry Stolfi found Jesus staring back at him on his coffee mug, crown of thorns and all. After he'd drunk his coffee with cream, there He was. Jerry is keeping Him in a cupboard right above the kitchen exhaust fan. Now some of you sinners won't believe it and even one of Jerry's pals said "it looks like a bandana-clad John Rambo." You know where he'll be spending Eternity and you can bet he'll be wanting his coffee iced there. Jerry isn't sure why our Lord has blessed him with His Holy Image on a mug but he feels special now. He said, "You don't hear about an image like this coming to everybody every day. It's so rare." And that's so true. It's usually only once or twice a week that I hear about Jesus or His Mom popping up somewhere. The story says that Jerry has been praying every night and day since he became an altar boy. Now a lot of altar boys most likely are praying that something don't happen to them but Jerry has been praying that something would happen and now it has. And good for him. So next time you're brewing up another pot of java take the time to check out your mug. Your Chock Full o' Nuts just might be Chock Full o' Jesus. What a great way to start the day.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Conservative Christian Americans Doing What We Do Best

Rebuking Satan (aka David Letterman) in the name of our Lord. A Mighty Throng of Righteousness numbering in the tens descended upon the Socialist Sodomite Verbal Pedophile Stronghold of CBS and there was great gnashing of teeth and speaking in tongues and the Lord was mightily pleased.

If God In Heaven had a wife she would surely be Sarah Palin.

You're a Lumberjack and It's NOT Ok.

This one really steams my buns. Turns out some group called Gay Loggers For Jesus got a permit to march right before the patriot Teabaggers have their Tea Party meeting on the 4th of July in Bozeman, Montana. That just ain't right. First off you can't be a Gay and be for Jesus whether you're a lumberjack or not. Jesus may have been a carpenter and maybe jacked some lumber himself in his day but not in the same way these guys mean. No way. Also, the 4th of July is our sacred National Holiday to commemorate the founding of this great nation and complain about our high taxes, not to prance about doing God knows what. Our Founding Fathers would be shocked and ashamed and if they'd know'd it would come to this maybe not bothered altogether. Not only do we have high taxes, a president who's a Socialist Islamite from Kenya who's sold our car companies to foreigners, now we got Gay Loggers cavorting around in public.
It turns out the Bozmanians wanted the Tea Party to pay for closing the main street and they wouldn't. Good for them. Why should they? Just cause the city has to pay for it out of the taxes don't mean us Patriots should pay. And just because these Gay Loggers are paying for their parade don't mean we should pay for ours. Ours is an American Patriotic event and theirs isn't. I just hope there aren't any Gay Loggers at our Elgin Tea Party or Gay anything for that matter. We just want to have an American Tea Party with American wieners and American beer and do a little tax revolting in the American way. I hope to see you there.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Us Christians Need to Pray for Senator Ensign

Senator John Ensign from Nevada is being attacked in the Lieberal press for having a tiny little affair with some staffer who was also married and who probably led him astray. Women can do that like how Eve got Adam to eat the apple. The senator is busy apologizing to everybody today and that should be that. After all at least he's not a homo. He's a proud patriotic Republican who got a 100% percent rating from the Christian Coalition for his wide Pro-Family stance a while back and he's for making sure the Homosexualists can't marry amongst other things. He said "I know that I have deeply hurt and disappointed my wife, my children, my family, my friends, my staff and the people of Nevada who believed in me not just as a legislator but as a person." So now it's between him and Jesus and everyone else should just butt out. His wife Darlene forgave him like a good Christian wife ought to and now she says their marriage is stronger than ever. She found out a year ago and I guess John just forgot to tell anybody else about it til now. That's ok. It's none of our business when a fine Patriotic Conservative American like him goes to alleycatting around once in a while. Don't mean he's not working away on keeping the Atheist Lieberal menace from destroying our families the rest of the time. I'm sure Jesus will give him a free pass on this one. I know I will. So if you're one of those gossiping types who are going to make jokes about him like that communist Dave Letterman did about Sarah Palin you are in for a prayin' at from me. Leave Senator Ensign alone. He ain't perfect but at least he has a birth certificate.

Friday, June 12, 2009

Some Mormon Boys Come In My House


Today two Mormon boys rung my bell. They was well dressed and very polite so it's just too bad they are going to Hell. At least that's what Pastor Coot says about them since they don't believe in the same Jesus us Real Christians believe in. There's isn't anywhere near as good. Well I offered them a beer and they said that Mormons weren't allowed to drink beer which is a deal breaker for any religion in my book. Anyways they start telling me about the Book of Mormon which says Jesus came to the Indians (the "me like firewater" kind not the "would you like some curry" kind) after he got done with the Jews and in fact the Indians are actually Jews that got really really lost somehow. Well that don't make much sense to me since they don't look anything alike and a warbonnet don't look anything like them Jew hats although it's true neither of them can hold their liquor. So that didn't go over too well. I asked them how many wives they were going to get to which they looked a little hurt and they said God changed His mind about that and they don't get more than one any more (which seems plenty me) . They said it was all in another book they have called the "D and C" which I think stood for "Doctorings and Coverups" or somesuch, (at this point they was getting kind of red faced and talking pretty fast so I'm not exactly sure) and even though their leader Mr. Smith said God said they should have more than one wife He told a later guy not to in the "Democrats and Cuticles" or whatever. That seems strange to me. God don't usually change His mind, although He did about the pork thing so we could have ham on Easter but not about the big stuff. But anyway I asked them in on the pretext of ministering to my daughter Eustacia hoping maybe one of them would take a fancy to her. I kind of lied and said she was couch-ridden which isn't really true as she does get up during commercials. At this point I'd take a Mormon or even a Muslin as a son-in-law as long as they got her off that damn couch and out of my house. I'm a bit desperate on that. The floorboards are starting to sag there. Well they took one look at her and were headed back for the door so I started to pray and speak in tongues and lay hands on them hoping to move the demon Mormon spirit out of them but that just got them even more riled and out the window they went. I'm going to have to mend the screen now. As they was running away they was crossing something out in a book and I guess they won't be back. I'll just leave it in the Lord's hands I figure but maybe I should of done better at ministering unto them and maybe I shouldn't of answered the door in my underwear.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Get thee behind me Satan













Jesus is everywhere, even in the bathroom as this picture shows, and us Christians can call on him any time to save us. And for all you potty-mouthed Atheistic Lieberals who don't believe it here's a story to prove it. This comes from WSB news/talk radio in Atlanta:

Christ Saves Woman from Attack

An Austell woman is thanking Jesus for saving her from an attacker. Francesca Cowan tells Channel 2 Action News, 37-year-old Anthony Pruitt came to her home on Winternest Drive and when he tried to kiss her and she refused, he attacked her. "He put my head in the toilet and flushed the toilet about three times; and then I just said to him, 'In the name of Jesus, stop and he stopped. He was startled; and I said in the name of Jesus, stop. I just kept saying it and he finally stopped,'" said Cowan. Cowan's 16-year-old daughter, who was at home at the time, called police. Pruitt has been charged with kidnapping, battery, two counts of aggravated assault, and other charges.

Now I've had my head in the toilet asking Jesus for help a few times in my life. Just last week as a matter of fact after I ate some of Satan's deviled egg salad. and He come through for me but I never had someone else there pushing me in like this lady. At least not that I can remember. You know how it is. But if I had then I can bet Jesus would have answered the call too. He can flush the sins from your life and wipe them away if you just ask Him to. He can protect you and yours from any evil from the Bowels of Hell that may accost you and make you a regular Christian again. God says it and I believe it.

UPDATE: WSB news/radio has now reposted the same story with the headline Jesus Saved Woman, Literally. Can't get any clearer than that.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Racking 'em up for Jesus


In these dark days of the Endtimes it's hard to keep kids on the straight and narrow. God knows it's hard for even a Christian parent like me to do it. I have to pray double every day to keep my daughter Eustacia from sitting around doing nothing but watching that Oprah woman on the TV and all her ungodly New Age nonsense. Getting her out of that chair takes the patience of a saint or maybe a Mack truck and a hoist. One or the other. So it's nice to see someone motivating the young folk like The Honorable Judge Ray Grimes who runs the Truancy Court in Clarksville, Tennessee. He invited Eric “The Preacher” Yow, who's a lawyer, a professional pool shark and also a Pulpit Minister for the Church of Christ to show the kids some trick pool shots that will no doubt get them back on track. Like he says, “Just as Jesus used parables to teach important Gospel messages, I demonstrate by illustrative pool trick shots and stories from my life significant life lessons that these troubled teens greatly need to hear.” Well that makes sense to me. I'm sure Jesus would've done the same thing if they'd had pool back then. I guess the lesson is that life is like a game of pool. You need to place a side bet on Jesus and hustle to win and with a little help from the Lord you will walk away with the prize. You need to keep your cue stick chalked up and in the game and get your balls in the right places and you'll succeed. I'm inspired myself just thinking about The Preacher's message and what kid wouldn't be? So if you've got a kid who's making trouble or not showing up at school why don't you take him on down to your local pool hall and give him a good motivating like Preacher Yow and maybe you'll wind up with a winner. Make a bank shot for the Lord.

Monday, June 8, 2009

Beer Church

Now here's a great idea. A good Christian by the name of Minister Ryan Tucker has started a church that meets every Sunday at the Yellowstone Valley Brewing Company taproom in Billings, Montana. Now you all know I love beer almost as much as I love Jesus, a Christian America and low taxes so the idea of hoisting a few for Jesus sure sounds divinely inspired to me. I know Jesus was mostly a wine man but He probably drank a few beers now and then too even if the Bible don't say so. Minister Tucker calls his beer church The Well and his meetings Theology on Tap and according to the story he likes to have a brew handy while he's giving his sermon. His motto is "come to church and have a beer". Catchy. Minister Tucker also wants to "include communion and occasional baptism services" and I think that's a great idea too. I'm sure baptizing people with beer is at least as holy as plain old water if not more so. Getting baptized in a beer vat would be my idea of being Filled with the Spirit. And Communing with wine and bread is ok but using beer and mini-cheeseburgers instead would sure bring a lot more people to Jesus. Too bad our brewpub in Elgin closed down due to hard times otherwise I might like to take up the calling too even if Pastor Coot at the Second Elgin Church of Jesus Christ Our Lord and Savior would miss me. To be honest his sermons would go down a lot better with a couple brewskis. They tend to drag on some and let's face it, Bible study can make you awful thirsty. Anyhow good for Minister Tucker and his congregation. They're probably the only one in America that goes home after church with a designated driver.

Saturday, June 6, 2009

Live blogging of EMCRAM meeting 4
















2:00PM Meeting of the Elgin Men's Christian Revivalist American Militia is called to order. Present: Me, Elrod Klempschmidt and Fremont along with the EMCRAM Ladies' Auxiliary which is my daughter Eustacia, her friend Tonowanda, Elvira Klempschmidt and Fremont's girlfriend FloraJoJean.
2:01PM Reading of the minutes: there aren't any because nobody kept them. Probably not a big loss. Best not to leave a paper trail for the enemy anyway.
2:10PM Agenda: Us men are going to continue our militia training and have a few beers and the womenfolk are going to see about designing us some uniforms since we don't have any. FloraJoJean suggests berets. Discussion: too French. Elrod insists everything should be cotton (American) because anything else makes him sweat like a pig. We decide on camouflage since we'll need that for when the UN troops arrive. We also want lots of pockets and a utility belt like Batman has.
3:00PM Lunch: Elvira brought her goddamn egg salad again but it looks a little green and brown so thank God we're not having it and ordering a pizza instead. The girls decide the egg salad does have the right color scheme for the uniforms so some good comes out of it.
3:30PM Pizza arrives. Maybe I should of ordered a bigger one as Eustacia and Tonowanda have eaten most of it before it gets to the table.
4:00PM The gals go outside for a break. They get to talking to our neighbor Mrs. Ochomadre over the fence. I think that's her name. I don't speak Mexican. We're staying inside to plot more strategy. We send Fremont to get another 12 pack. You have to watch your weight when you're militia training so we get Coors Light.
4:15PM Elvira and Mrs. Ochomadre are at it. Mrs. Ochomadre said Elvira's pink spandex makes her butt look like a giant wad of bubblegum someone spit out and Elvira told her she looks like a corndog dipped in bleach and she should get back to her brown roots and stop trying to look Aryan. I tell them they're both pretty but they tell me to shut up. I'm getting the hose out. Thank God for our border fence.
4:30PM Military Strategy Preparedness Film: Ice Station Zebra.
5:30PM Elvira says she's bored and is pouring Elrod into the car and taking him home. She says if I don't like it she'll beat me to death with the egg salad bowl. God does not like a mouthy woman and I sure don't either.
6:00PM There being no further business and we being out of both beer and pizza, meeting is adjourned. God Save the Republic.

Friday, June 5, 2009

D-List for Jesus: Stryper and Hookers for Jesus


Stryper, one of my all time favorite Christian heavy metal bands is in the news. Seems they're making a comeback and the lead guitarist Oz Fox is going to marry the gal from the Hookers for Jesus Ministry, Annie Lobert, and they're going to do it live on TV from the Church at South Las Vegas. Don't that just scream Sanctity of Marriage to you? Take that homos.
I've always loved Stryper. We're supposed to make a Righteous Noise for Jesus and they make more noise than anyone. Back in the 80's when they were big I took Elrod to one of their concerts before he was Saved. I guess he had taken some illegal substance (just say no) and it kicked in after the first song. He started screaming about how he was being attacked by giant transsexual bumblebees. I had to sit on him until he calmed down. He found Jesus after that and hasn't let go since so you know Stryper is doing the Lord's work. Well they're back together now working on a new album called "Murder by Pride". I assume they mean Gay Pride.
Anyhow, Hookers for Jesus (if you're thinking Hooters for Jesus you need prayin' for) is run by Annie who used to be one. A Vegas hooker that is. Then one of her customers convinced her to come to Jesus. Good for you, little lady. She started ministering unto the other hookers and going on the 700 club and the Jim Bakker Show and wrote a book called Hooker for Jesus. She and Oz are the perfect Christian couple if you ask me. Filled with the spirit and they both have nice hair. They are going to hook a lot of people for Jesus.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Bring Your Gun to Church Day


A God Fearing and Gun Toting Church in the proud red state of Kentucky is having an "Open Carry Church Service" where you bring your guns to church and I'll bet Jesus couldn't be more pleased. I know I am and when I'm pleased I'm pretty sure Jesus is too. Pastor Pagano of the Spirit-filled Assemblies of God New Bethel Church decided to have this Patriotic event. Like he says, "Not every branch of Christianity is pacifistic". And thank God for that. Lots of churches think Jesus was some kind of long haired hippie who was for peace and that's not true. Now the truth is they hadn't invented scissors or guns yet so He might have been a bit long haired and didn't own a gun but when He comes back I'm sure He'll get His hair cut and will be Pro-Gun. Although maybe He can't get His hair cut by regular folk like Superman couldn't because the scissors would break. Not sure how he did that. Anyway, I hope Pastor Pagano gets a big crowd. The only thing I disagree with him about is he wants people to bring their guns unloaded. What's the point of that? Be Prepared I always say. He also says to bring a canned good but I'm saving mine for the Tribulation which will be pre or post Millennial depending on who you ask. Either way I've got enough baked beans and pickled beets to last the whole 7 years, at least I hope so. The way my daughter Eustacia goes through food I just don't know. So I'm all for this idea and I'm going to pass it on to Pastor Coot at the Second Elgin Church of Jesus Christ Our Lord and Savior. Here in Illinois we might have some problems with it since we're not as forward thinking as Kentucky and don't have Concealed Carry laws and such but maybe that will change soon. I'm praying on it. And you should too.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

New Hampshire Falls to the Homosexualists


Folks it's getting bad out there in New England. I say we just give the whole place back to Old England. New Hampshire has gone and destroyed the Sanctity of Marriage. The Granite State has gone soft. I guess it's the Pink Granite State now. Because of this I am boycotting and I won't be able to buy that granite kitchen counter top my daughter Eustacia has been nagging me about. It just seems there's no stopping them but I'm not ready to give up like Dr. Dobson from Focus On The Family who said, "There is nothing you can do at this time about what is taking place because there is simply no limit to what the left can do at this time. Anything they want, they get and so we can't stop them.....And so what you can do is pray, pray for this great nation... As I see it, there is no other answer. There's no other answer, short term." Well I'm no Surrender Monkey like him (I'm no monkey at all like I keep telling those damned Evolutionists) and I say we can't quit just because the enemy won a few rounds. Like Winston Churchill would say if he were still around: Even though large tracts of America and many old and famous States have fallen or may fall into the grip of the Gaystapo and all the odious apparatus of Lieberal rule, we shall not flag or fail.We shall fight on the gay beaches. We shall fight on the pride parade grounds. We shall fight at the antique shows. We shall never surrender.

Friday, May 29, 2009

I'm Turning Myself In!














Carolyn Hileman over at The Voice has a genius of an idea. In her post "We are now at war" she says:

I was sitting in church this Sunday, and it hit me, I might as well turn my self in. I will not bow to anyone but my Savior and his name is not Obama, I will not give up my right to own a gun, I will not give up my right to protest, as a matter of fact I will not willingly give up any of my rights.

Now I admit I don't usually think stuff like that when I'm at Church but I'm not as deep a thinker as Carolyn is. Usually I'm just thinking about Jesus or whether Pastor Coot is going to wrap up before kickoff. He does tend to go on some. But if I did have other thoughts I hope it would be one like this. She goes on to say:

The thought occurs to me that if we all turned ourselves in immediately after the tea parties on the Fourth, the police and Sheriffs departments would be over whelmed. If we were to walk in and identify ourselves as extremists, tell them our weapons of choice are the constitution, bill of rights and our Bible. Maybe then they would know that we are not just a bunch of people spread out across the country but a force united in beliefs and actions. This is not to say there will be no arrests made, for we must assume there are those who wear the uniform who would put us in cuffs for believing in any of those things, but their jails cannot hold us all, the court system cannot bear such a heavy burden and per chance they might decide as they have done for the illegal immigrants that there are just to many to prosecute and give up.

That's one heck of a thought. And as soon as I read it a light bulb went off in my head. A 40 watt one, not one of those treehugger bulbs. Why don't I get the whole Elgin Men's Christian Revivalist American Militia to turn ourselves in? It's a war alright and we'll win by giving up! We'll march right in to the Elgin Police and dare them to arrest us. And if they do then we are willing to be Christian Martyrs for the Cause, just like Jesus. Now it’s true Jesus didn’t turn Himself in, they had to come get Him, but I’m sure He would of if they hadn’t. Anyway, if we did that what would Not-My-President Barack HUSSEIN Obama do about it? He’d have to raise our taxes to keep us all in prison and then even more people would rebel! It’s a perfect plan and we are 110% behind you Carolyn.



Thursday, May 28, 2009

Jesus in a jar



















Jesus has done it again! He's showed Himself to a family in Great Britain inside the lid of a jar of Marmite. I thought a Marmite was a kind of animal but it turns out that's something else.
Marmite is some kind of brown stuff made of yeast these folks spread on toast. Don't sound too good to me. I like jelly but the Lord works in ways we can't always understand. Anyhow, there He is plain as day. The Mom says, "people might think I’m nuts, but I like to think it’s Jesus looking out for us". Well I don't think you're nuts little lady, I think you're filled with the Spirit like me. And good for us. The Lord can show up anywhere He damn well pleases and we have a right to praise Him when he does, even in Socialist Great Britain.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

D-List for Jesus: Stephen Baldwin and Tony Orlando















Hollywood don't have too many big name celebrities for Jesus because they're mostly Atheistic and Pro-Homosexualistic but us Christians have lots on what they call the D-List. I just read about these two: Stephen Baldwin (one of the 12 or so Baldwin brothers) and Tony Orlando (not sure what happened to Dawn, maybe she quit the act). Seems they teamed up in Branson where Stephen spoke to the graduating class at Trinity Christian Academy. He says that God was behind his speech and I believe it. The story says "Baldwin’s spiritual journey started several years ago when his Brazilian housekeeper told him that it was prophesied to her, in Brazil, that she would lead her future American employer to Christ." The Lord sure works in mysterious ways, don't He? And then he found Jesus on 9/11. He also said Jesus is going to be returning to Earth soon. He might be parking in orbit right now. So anyhow Tony was also there along with the whole graduating class of 7 students. What a crowd. He's working for Trinity Broadcasting Network now and in ads for some fat cure. Seems to me all you need is Jesus to cure fatness or anything else. I'm still waitin' on Him for that. But I think if you look at Tony's picture there you can see the Image of Jesus in his gut. Who'd want to get rid of that? I looked up what Stephen Baldwin's been doing and he's been in some great movies lately, like this one from last year:

Shark in Venice


The film takes place in Venice, where a scientific phenomenon has led to the gradual increase in the temperature of the Grand Canal, leading to a Great white shark taking up residence in the city of Venice. At the same time, a young tourist goes missing whilst on holiday in the city, and it is unclear if he has become a victim of the shark, or if he has become involved with the local Mafia, who plan to use the shark to their advantage
.

Wow that sounds exciting don't it? It was shot on location in Bulgaria! Maybe Jesus comes and fights the shark in the end or maybe Stephen jumps over it and kills it. They can never make enough shark jumpin' movies for me. I'm going to rent this one for sure.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

I'm Back From Lieberal Taxachusetts













Me and Elrod went to Boston, Taxachusetts over the weekend to see where the first Teabaggers started out. Ordinarily I wouldn't want to go there because they let the Homosexualists get married there and because of the Kennedy's but we figured it would be ok just this once. We went to Bunker Hill, where I bought a hat that says "Don't Tread On Me" with a snake on it. I feel like a real Patriot wearing it, even if it does say on the inside that it's made in Cambodia. It's what's on the outside that counts. We also saw a bunch of famous dead people like Paul Revere who was the leader of the Raiders I think. After we checked out all the Patriot places we just sort of wandered around. I had some clam chowder at one place that was pretty good. But I learnt later on that the clams were from somewhere else on account of there being a Red Tide in the ocean around there right now. You've got to wonder if it was North Koreans or some such that did that. Also I had something called Calamari which turned out to be Italian for a squid which was fried. I never ate a squid before. Of course if you fry something I'm liable to eat it. Eustacia accidentally fried one of my socks once and I ate most of it before she told me. Almost anything is good fried. Anyhow people there seem ok even if they are severely taxed and stuck with Lieberals running everything. The women are real feisty like I like them. We got to see a real catfight outside the subway one day. They was pulling each others hair and screaming at each other and their men couldn't break it up. I don't think either one was a Kennedy but there's a lot of them so who knows. So me and Elrod are back now and feeling even more Patriotic than ever.

Saturday, May 23, 2009

Live blogging of EMCRAM meeting 3
















2:00PM Meeting of the Elgin Men's Christian Revivalist American Militia is called to order. Present: Me, Elrod Klempschmidt and Pastor Ebenezer Coot of the Second Elgin Church of Jesus Christ Our Lord and Savior (the first one burnt down on account of there being no lightening rod) who is here as our Christian Adviser. Fremont ain't here because he had to take the kids and his ex says she don't want them anywhere near his friends. Can't imagine why.
2:01PM Reading of the minutes. I think we'll skip this in the future as I don't like to be reminded.
2:10PM Pastor Coot leads us in a short prayer.
2:50PM Prayer over. Praise the Lord.
2:53PM Agenda: Seeing as how I couldn't think of one, we don't exactly have an agenda today so we'll just wing it. Sometimes a Militia has to be able to think on its feet although I think we'll mostly be just sitting today. My lumbago is acting up again.
3:10PM There's a knock on the door and it turns out to be a couple of Jehovah's Witnesses. Pastor Coot engages them in Religious Debate about Pre or Post Millennial Tribulation Rapture.
3:25PM I have to turn the hose on all three of them.
3:50PM Lunch. Baloney sandwiches. Pastor Coot says he loves baloney. So do I. A lot more than that damn egg salad, pardon my french.
3:45PM Military Strategy Preparedness Film: Dawn of the Dead.
4:45PM Pastor Coot is snoring so loud it could wake the Dead.
5:00PM We get a Lecture from Pastor Coot about Jesus and Taxes. He says that stuff about Jesus hanging around with the tax collectors and picking one (Matthew) to be a disciple don't mean he was ok with taxes. The Pastor says that's all spin from those lieberal fake churches. Jesus was NOT a Socialist like they say. Jesus just wanted to keep an eye on them. Pastor Coot also says Jesus was no wimpy long haired hippie either. He was a manly outdoorsman type going out into the wilderness for 40 days and all. The only reason he didn't take a gun with him is cause they hadn't been invented yet.
6:00PM After final Prayer by Pastor Coot, meeting is adjourned. God Bless the Republic. Once again I don't feel so good but I feel closer to God.

Friday, May 22, 2009

Ladies, here's your chance

It's a once in a lifetime offer. My cousin Ronald is looking for a lady friend. Maybe you can help him out. If you know of anybody that's looking for a handsome eligible bachelor then send him Ronald's way. They won't be disappointed. I've always wished I had Ronald's good looks and charm.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

They'll take my gun from my cold dead hands



Us Patriot Americans know that there is nothing more sacred in our Constitution than the 2nd Amendment. We could afford to lose a few of the others like the ones about taxes and maybe that one about women voting because they tend to vote for the liberal side of things but the 2nd Amendment is one we need to protect our other freedoms because the government might let UN troops come in and march us off to the re-education camps otherwise. And if there's one thing I don't need any more of it's education. I graduated 183rd in my class from Elgin High and that's enough. Now every day I read in the news about another case where someone uses his 2nd Amendment rights to preserve our Freedom. Take this story I read about today:

A 26-year-old Phoenix man accidentally killed himself early Sunday while explaining gun safety to two Sierra Vista residents. Samuel Benally Jr. was at an apartment on West Tacoma Street when he said guns should be kept unloaded because people could point them at their heads. Benally then demonstrated by putting his own 9mm Ruger, which he believed to be unloaded, to his head and fired it.

This fine young man sure went the distance to help teach other Americans about gun safety, didn't he? Now that's a Patriot. I'll bet that was a real learning experience for those other two. And also what this story proves is that everyone should have guns for protection and the common good. If someone else was there with a gun he could have stopped this guy with a gun from shooting himself. That's why I'm for Concealed Carry in Illinois even though the Lieberals are against it. Because you never know when you'll need one and I say Be Prepared like this guy.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Battle of the Titans

This is a tough one. Michael Savage and Rush Limbaugh are two of the greatest spokesmen for The Cause. So when Michael called out Rush the other day on his show I didn't know what to think. He said, "Limbaugh has turned out to be the biggest phony of all of them, all of them. Amongst all of them, he is the biggest fraud. Rush Limbaugh is a fraud. When he was accused of the drug usage, I supported him. But that man is a one-way street. It's all about him. He's in it for nobody but himself." Maybe Michael is just mad that Rush is now the Chief Head of the Republican Party and didn't appoint him as Assistant Head. I don't know. Can't we all just get along?

UPDATE: On today's show Rush quit as "Titular Head of the Republican Party". I'm not sure what that is. I guess we'll have to pick another one but I'd rather get a Regular Head to replace him since a Titular one don't seem quite right to me.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Mel Gibson is Pro-Families

I don't think there's a more manly Christian man than Mel Gibson even though he's a Catholic which ain't quite as good as us real Christians but at least he thinks they're too liberal which I think also. He knows the Jews killed our Lord and ain't afraid to say it even though we have to love the Jews because we need them to fight the Devil for us in the Endtimes. Also he made that great movie about Jesus being tortured. Of course I'm not against torturing the right people mind you, just not Jesus even though that needed to happen so we could be saved. It's all a little confusing. Anyhow it seems them Hollywood gossip types who are all Lieberals and mostly Homosexualists are getting on Mel's case just because he's having a baby with someone he's not married to yet and he's still married to someone else. He's got himself a pretty little Russian gal with a bun in the oven. I wonder if she's one of them mail order brides. Maybe I'll try that but I wonder how much the postage would be. Must be less for the skinny ones. So Mel's taking some heat about it what with how Jesus said not to get a divorce and such. But I think He's got to look the other way on this one, same as a lot of good Born Agains who've gotten a divorce or two. When you fall off the saddle you just get right back on the horse (or in this case another horse) and try again. At least he didn't become a homo or nothing REAL bad. And ok Mel likes a little drink or two and maybe gets to kneewalkin' sometimes. Jesus liked to party too and so do I. Nothing wrong with that. So back off Mel just because he got his gal in the family way. If you're pro-family you ought to be pro-two families too even if there is a little overlap.

Monday, May 18, 2009

The Cheeto of Jesus


If there's anything that proves the all mighty power of God it's finding Him in your favorite snack food. I have to admit I love Cheetos. They go good with a beer or three. So when I heard that a woman in Texas found a Cheeto in the spittin' image of the Lord Himself I just had to shout out Hallelujah! and post about it here. According to the story it turns out that a Missouri woman and a Houston man have also found Him in the last few months or so. I think this is a sign that the Lord is going to return in the near future. At least I hope so. And I sure hope they have beer and Cheetos in Heaven when I get there. I imagine there will be whole rivers of beer and mountains of Cheetos. There won't be any damn tax on them neither.

I'm No Monkey


















I've always said that Science is just a lieberal conspiracy to try and make us Christian Conservatives look stupid and along comes another example. These eggheads are claiming that they've found some fossil that shows some "transitional link" in human evolution, whatever that means. They've named it Darwinius masillae after their hero Darwin who started all this nonsense. All I know is if we came from monkeys why are there still monkeys? Answer me that smart guys. I run rings around you logically. At least some of the folks commenting on the story figure out what a bunch of bull it is. Masterpuzzles says, "God created the world. I'd much rather believe that than a big rock existing from forever (who put it there) that exploded and made perfectly round objects that orbit in perfection. Give me a break and give God the glory." Well said. Someone named Vbeach says, "The atheists and agnostics are running rampant. I dug up a bone in my backyard today and Monday I'm taking to my neighborhood forensic lab. I'll bet it's at least 48 million years old." Good point. Warrottjr says, "I am afraid I will have to sign in with the Creationists. Sorry if that requires you to believe in Original Sin and Salvation through Our Lord Jesus Christ! There is no purpose to evolution. The purpose of Creation is to glorify God." So true. Norman says, "Man God sure is leading you buffoons on a goose chase isn't he? Ha. Confounding the wise. I'll say." Yep these scientists think they're so smart.
Anyhow, I'm just not buying it. If you think that picture up there looks anything like me you're crazy.

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Satan Comes to Notre Dame

Today was a sad day in South Bend, Indiana, even more so than usual. Satan came to deliver a speech to the kids at Notre Dame. Now I know that it's a Catholic school, so it's not a real Christian one like Liberty University or Bob Jones, but still they shouldn't have let Satan in. Satan's a great talker but if you really want to know what he's saying you have to play a tape of whatever he was saying backwards. Because he gives himself away like that. I don't know why. You'd think he'd figure all that out but if you don't believe me watch the video below. If you play today's Satan speech backwards you'll hear stuff like "I love killing babies and feeding them to my dog Bo" and "bring in my UN troops" and "pass gay marriage so it will hurt small business". So if you hear any of Satan's speech today on the news don't listen. Or at least watch it on Fox News.

Saturday, May 16, 2009

Live blogging of EMCRAM meeting 2
















2:00 PM Meeting of the Elgin Men's Christian Revivalist American Militia called to order. Present: Me, Elrod Klempschmidt, his 2 boys Elwin and Elmore, and Fremont, who still refuses to give us his last name. Says it's on a need to know basis. I can respect that.
2:01 PM Minutes of last meeting read, which brings back bad memories.
2:10 PM After we look up the words on the internet my daughter Eustacia sings "God Bless America". It makes me cry. It makes all the dogs and cats in the neighborhood cry too.
2:20 PM Agenda: Today we will be discussing what we can do to prepare for the General Conflagration that we can expect once the Obama Nightmare causes society to collapse and the UN Troops to land.
2:25 PM Elrod suggests that we need to have a bunker so that we can be prepared to ride out the storm. Fremont offers to donate his RV which was damaged in the DUI accident last year. We can dig a hole in my back yard, bury it, and then cut a hole in the top. We'll put the bird bath over it as camouflage. Discussion about what we'll stock it with. Suggestions: canned baked beans, TP, Jack Daniels, and other survival needs. Elrod appointed to requisition supplies. Says he can get some of the stuff from home as long as his wife don't notice it's missing. $12.37 collected.
3:00 PM Extreme Calisthenics for Military Preparedness.
3:01 PM Done.
3:05 PM Military Strategy Preparedness Film: Battlefield Earth
3:35 PM Lunch: Mrs. Klempschmidt's goddamn egg salad sandwiches again. Good Lord, I hate that woman.
4:10 PM Kids are getting antsy so we send them out to play ball.
4:35 PM Hispanic neighbor is at my door yelling at me about "el neenyo" again. Sure, blame the White Man for "global warming". I try to tell him it's all a lie but he just keeps getting madder. Looks like he's going to keep the ball along with the Lawn Dart from last week. These Hispanics sure are hot blooded. Elrod demands to see his green card.
4:36 PM Eustacia preparing ice pack for Elrod's eye.
4:52 PM We go outside to start digging up the back yard for the bunker.
5:20 PM We get about a foot down and hit the septic tank, which is strange because I didn't think I had a septic tank.
5:35 PM Turns out it's not a septic tank. It's a 68 Chevy Malibu. Maybe we can use it as an extra bedroom when we get the RV down there. We go inside for some liquid refreshments.
6:00 PM On account of there being no further business and we're tired out, meeting is adjourned. God Bless the Republic. I don't feel so good again. I think Mrs. Klempschmidt might be putting something in my egg salad.

Friday, May 15, 2009

Welcome to the Nanny State of Elgin

I like beer almost as much as I do Jesus, a Christian America, and low taxes and now the Socialists in the Elgin City Council, my home town, have gone and banned "single-serve" beer. And wine. But I don't care about that as much because I don't drink it. And they've banned the good stuff too: delicious Malt Liquor, which is a great value. They say they're trying to get rid of bad behaviors such as sitting or lying on the sidewalk and panhandling. Well dammit this is America and if a man can't sit or lay on the sidewalk in his own home town then we are quickly losing our God Given Rights. And people wouldn't be panhandling if Not-My-President Barack HUSSEIN Obama wasn't destroying our economy. Also, they're banning 40 ounce bottles which is hardly a single serving if you ask me. More like a half, or a third, or a fourth on a hot day when you're mowing the lawn. This law don't make no sense at all but that's what I expect from a bunch of Socialists. One of my neighbors even got fined by them for having his Christmas tree lights up past February. So you know they're Atheists too. Well I say enough is enough. Let's get some real beer-drinking Patriots elected to our Elgin City Council and stop all this nonsense.

Teenage Border Patrol

I have this idea for a TV show about a group of Explorer Scouts who are secretly a crack team of Border Patrol agents for the DHS. They're led by a guy named A. J. Lowenthal who's kind of like Charlie in Charlie's Angels except with teens. Every week they would get an assignment to hunt down pesky Illegals trying to sneak into our country or catch drug cartel lookouts tending their marijuana fields or deal with terrorist bus hijackings. A.J. would say things like “This is about being a true-blooded American guy and girl” and the kids would get to say things like “I like shooting guns. I like the sound they make. It gets me excited.” It could be like The Mod Squad only better. They'd have professional training like they did. Officers would give them advice like "“Put the perp on his face and put a knee in his back, I guarantee that he’ll shut up.” It would be inspirational to the kids out there and us adults too. And on a very special Teenage Border Patrol one of the officers would be caught sexually molesting the teens. That would be a good chance to teach about stranger danger. Because that's what it would be all about. Teaching kids about the future and their future in the Dept. of Homeland Security, and let's face it, there probably won't be too many other job opportunities out there for them any time soon. If you're a TV exec email me about my idea. I know it sounds a little implausible but I think we can sell it.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Jesus vs. the Aliens

If you've ever had an alien encounter like me (the Space kind , not the Mexican kind) you'll be interested in the Christian Ministry called The Alien Resistance. They're a group of experts that say those aliens are really the evil spirits from the Bible. These guys are smart guys, some of whom have PHDs, which I guess stands for Professors of Higher Dimensions. They said in a statement that, "the sinful behaviors of the 'aliens' behind abductions, the false gospels and new age messages they proclaim, and their supernatural powers so very reminiscent of those described in the Bible as being had by angels, all adds up to make clear that 'aliens' are in fact the evil spirits of the Bible" and that makes sense considering what happened to me once. As a young man I'd go on Christian Retreats with our Church's youth group. One time I was sleeping in my tent and the aliens came. All I remember is a bright light, then the Youth Pastor calling my name and telling me to be quiet, and then that probe, which hurt like heck, at least at first.They kept pushing it in and out. I don't know what they was measuring. In the morning Pastor said he didn't remember anything so they must have erased his memory. And they must have put a tracking device in me because they found me again on the next Christian Retreat. Anyhow that's how I know that they are really Alien Satanic Sodomites, or A.S.S.- Men for short. Now these A.S.S.-Men are probably here as a sign of the endtimes, but what ain't a sign of the endtimes these days? Well Jesus will be taking care of them soon because He don't tolerate such goings on, fancy space ships or no.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

The Beatles Go To Hell


Dear Mr. Jackson,
I just read your article in the East Texas Review called "No heaven or hell? I wouln’t (sic) bet on it "
and I was very impressed with your Godly Christian writing. It's clear you have the love of Jesus in your heart. You talk about John Lennon's sinful song "Imagine" where he sings about imagining there's no Heaven or Hell. That's just so wrong. Of course there's a Heaven and a Hell. If there was no Heaven what would be the point of being good all the time? And if there was no Hell then how could those of us going to Heaven look down when we get there and say, "I told you so"? Like you say, "The Beatles earned lots of money with that song, and, at the same time, probably sewed (sic) seeds of doubt in the hearts of many. John Lennon and George Harrison have now gone on to discover the realities of all realities... If the song’s premise was wrong (as it most certainly was), then few would trade places with them now." Well I'm just as certain as you that those two sinners are now burning in Hell for all Eternity, and maybe longer. And that's as it should be. Let that be a lesson to them. And never mind that George Harrison or the other Beatles didn't have anything to do with that song. Like you say, "ignorance of the Lord is no excuse". God loves us but if we write songs about His creation that He doesn't like you have to expect the consequences. He has his limits you know. I can't wait to get to Heaven (well, actually I don't mind waiting a bit longer) so I can see who made it and who didn't. Then it's party time. I'm not sure exactly what you do in Heaven but its got to be fun although you have to wonder if after the first quadrillion years or so you might get bored of all that worshiping and whatnot. If I see you there maybe we can play golf or something. God Bless you and yours.

Slap Happy for God

So today I read about some Saudi Arabian judge who says its ok to slap a wife who spends too much of your money. Now you folks know that I'm no fan of Muslinity but I can see the judge's point on this one. Because our real Christian Bible also talks about uppity women. Ephesians 5:22 says Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so the wives to their own husbands in every thing. Also women are supposed to keep their mouths shut in church as Corinthians 14:13 says Let your women keep silence in the churches: for it is not permitted unto them to speak; but to be under obedience, as also saith the law. And Timothy 2:12 says I suffer not a woman to teach, nor to usurp authority over the man, but to be in silence. And then he goes on to talk about how it was all Eves fault Adam ate that apple. If that's not a slapping offense I don't know what is. We don't have it in our Bible but the Catholics have Ecclesiasticus 25:19 No wickedness comes anywhere near the wickedness of a woman. Sin began with a woman and thanks to her we all must die. I could go on because there's more stuff in there about women but you get my drift. God told us to keep our women in line. He said it and He means it. So men if you have a sassy woman it's ok to do what you need to do to keep her in line. Unless maybe she's bigger than you in which case I don't know what to tell you.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

I will never drink Pepsi again

I just learnt from the fine folks at the American Family Association that we are supposed to be boycotting Pepsi for supporting the Homosexualist Agenda™. My daughter Eustacia drinks gallons of that Diet Pepsi (and God knows it seems to have the opposite effect on her so I know there's definitely something wrong here) and this will be a burden since she'll probably be a bit cranky for a while but I think it's worth it if we can stop this company from giving money to Satan. Mr. Wildmon, who is the leader of the AFA says that Pepsi refused his request to "remain neutral in the Culture War". I'm not exactly sure what that means but if there's a war on culture going on it must be for a good reason if Mr. Wildmon says so. I guess Pepsi is also giving money to the Homosexualists for their so-called Gay Pride Parades. What they're proud of I don't know. Good lord those things are ungodly. I got trapped in one of them things a few years ago when I made a wrong turn in Chicago. There I was stuck between a car filled with women that looked like Marilyn Monroe but weren't (either Marilyn Monroe or women, it turns out) and in front of me was a boatload of young men who I could see the nether parts of pretty clearly. I tried not to stare but there they was, jiggling away. I was mortified and if Mr. Wildmon can stop such goings on then I'm all for it.

Monday, May 11, 2009

Rep. Pete Sessions exposes the Conspiracy

Patriot Rep. Pete Sessions from the Great State of Texas today blew the lid off the Conspiracy by warning that Not-My-President Barack HUSSEIN Obama has a plan to “diminish employment and diminish stock prices” and “intended to inflict damage and hardship on the free enterprise system, if not to kill it.” so he can “divide and conquer”. It's about time someone said what we're all thinking about this Socialist Obama Nightmare we're living through right now. I'm sure some Messiah worshipping sheeple will come along and mention that the stock market was going down and unemployment was going up for a while before the Man Without a Birth Certificate took office but that's what these Lieberals always try to do. Try to confuse me with facts. I'm not sure how Obama made that happen before he took office but it's not impossible time travel black ops might be involved. I just hope Mr. Sessions can get to the bottom of this Conspiracy before America is destroyed and the UN troops start landing. Then they'll destroy our Free Enterprise System and replace it with some European Socialist System where everybody is forced to take at least 6 weeks off work every year. Those people suffer so. God help us. But with the help of leaders like Pete Sessions we can stop all that and return America to the right path. But like Mr Sessions has said it will take an "insurgency" like the Taliban to save America. "Insurgency, we understand perhaps a little bit more because of the Taliban. They went about systematically understanding how to disrupt and change a person's entire processes…. I'm not trying to say the Republican Party is the Taliban.” Well, Mr. Sessions, if that's what it takes to bring a Christian America back from the brink then I say bring it on!

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Justice for the Muhs's!


Gayle and Sheila Muhs are two law-abiding legal gun owners who are being persecuted by the Socialist Nanny State for using their God given 2nd Amendment rights to protect their property or at least the property near theirs from criminal trespassers hell bent on peeing in bushes or God knows what other acts of depravity and mayhem by tossing some buckshot their way. They only did what was right under the laws of the Great State of Texas by shooting trespassers first, asking questions later and letting God sort it out. And rather than charging the trespassers some Lieberal state's attorney charges them! Don't that beat all? This couple should have been given a medal but instead they're looking at hard time just because some kid got in the way of their shotgun. If we let the Gun Grabbers get away with this then it's just a matter of time before UN troops are going door to door taking away our Freedom. The Muhs are good people. Good American people protecting their American property. Sheila looks a little like my ex-wife who run away with the Baptist preacher. I miss her.

Saturday, May 9, 2009

Live blogging of EMCRAM meeting
















2:00 PM Meeting of the Elgin Men's Christian Revivalist American Militia called to order. Present: me, Elrod Klempschmidt, Fremont.
2:05 PM Minutes of last meeting read.
2:06 PM Agenda: Today we will be stuffing envelopes with teabags to send to Washington.Supplies: One box of Lipton Tea bags, one box of envelopes (legal size), one roll of stamps. Member Elrod Klempschmidt makes motion that we should use the teabags first so as to send message to Washington that we are against wasteful spending. Motion passed 2-1. I don't like tea. Eustacia boiling water.
2:48 PM 15 cups of Lipton Tea consumed. Combination of beer, tea and patriotism is exhilarating.
3:00 PM Outdoor military training and exercise: Lawn Darts.
3:20 PM Due to bad throw by Elrod over fence neighbor is now yelling at us in Spanish. We are unable to make out what he is saying but the words "el neenyo" are repeated. We are not sure what weather has to do with situation. Perhaps he is a Lieberal Warmist. Neighbor refuses to give back Lawn Dart. This is why we MUST secure our borders.
3:40 PM 27 cups of Lipton Tea consumed. I am seeing stars and occasionally stripes. Elrod is panting. Upping beer intake to counteract effects. We are heading inside for sandwiches made by Mrs. Klempschmidt. Egg salad. I make a motion to ban egg salad sandwiches at future meetings as I don't like egg salad. Motion fails 2-1. I am considering changing EMCRAM from democratic militia to republican.
3:50 PM Military strategy preparedness film: Red Dawn.
5:00 PM 45 Cups of Lipton tea consumed. It does not appear that we will have enough bags to send for all the Tax and Spend Lieberals in Congress. We'll just have to pick the worst ones. My bladder feels like the Hoover Dam.
5:10 PM We have just now realized we can not mail the teabags as is because they are soggy and stain the envelopes. We are putting them in the microwave to dry them out. Envelope writing is proceeding slower than expected as none of us can focus our eyes.
5:35 PM We forgot about the teabags and as a result they are somewhat overdone. We are putting the ashes in the envelopes anyway.
5:45 PM Motion was made by Elrod to put flag stamps on envelopes upside down to signal our distress at High Taxes and the nation being threatened by Socialism. Motion carried unanimously thank God.
5:47 PM We just realized that they are not flag stamps. They have a picture of some guy on them who we aren't sure who he is. We are putting them on upside down anyway in case he is a Tax and Spend Lieberal. Fremont thinks the guy might be a jazz musician which is almost as bad.
6:00 PM After final prayer Meeting adjourned. God Bless the Republic. I don't feel so good.

The Sausage of God

It seems a lady in Florida has found another proof of God's love for us by revealing His sausage. And a blessed sausage it is. Take that Atheists. I'm going to have to start eating more sausage now. It doesn't say in the article what brand it is but I suspect it's Jimmy Dean. The real original down home kind, not the northern kind with sage in it. It also proves that God changed his mind about pork products so it's ok.

Friday, May 8, 2009

A Sad Day In America- Alan Keyes is arrested

Today Mr. Ambassador Dr. Alan Keyes was arrested trying to save the unborn Baby-Americans by protesting Abortionist Not-My-President Barack HUSSEIN Obama speaking at Notre Dame and I say shame on America. If you ask me they arrested the wrong Black Man. How Illinois voters could have turned down a great man like this over a guy who doesn't even have a birth certificate and is a Socialist is beyond me. One can only think Satanic influence must be involved. Mr. Keyes tried to warn us and even tried to sue in court to stop the False Messiah from being president because he wasn't born here but the Socialist Activist judges in the Peoples Republic of California threw out his case. As a good Christian Mr. Keyes has also taken on the Homosexualists and showed true faith when he discovered one of them living in his house pretending to be his daughter and threw her out. And good for him. If I found out Eustacia was one of them it would give me a righteous excuse to get her out of the house but she's not so I'm stuck with her. Also arrested was fine American Randall Terry who tried to save that Schiavo woman but failed. I think he also found a gay living in his house. Anyway here's a video I found of Mr Keyes explaining how he was killed for the unborn Baby-Americans.
Update: If you are as angry as I am about what Notre Dame is doing write to: Father Tyson, Administration Building, Notre Dame, IN 46556 and tell him you aren't going to buy any more of his chicken.

Don't Poupon our burgers, Mr. Obama!

As if you needed any more proof that Not-My-President Barack HUSSEIN Obama isn't a real American now it turns out he ordered a burger and put mustard on it. And not good old American ballpark mustard. No that's not good enough for him. He had to have spicy Dijon mustard. I'm not exactly sure where Dijon is but I'll bet there's Muslins there. But I ask you. What REAL AMERICAN would put mustard on a hamburger? That just proves he's not from around these parts. You put ketchup on a burger. You put mustard on a hot dog. And mustard shouldn't be gray. It should be bright yellow. Not spicy either. Spicy means FOREIGN and I don't like it. So WAKE UP AMERICA. Your Socialist leader is messing with our traditions and when you mess with our traditions you mess with the bull.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

LEAVE CARRIE PROJEAN ALONE!

I am so ANGRY about the attacks on this little lady from the Homosexualists. This really gets my dander up. And by getting my dander up I don't mean what some of you pervs think I mean. If she were my daughter (and I have to admit I kind of wish she was) you would NOT be saying that kind of stuff to my face. She said what God wanted her to say and if you don't like it maybe you should take it up with Him. I'm for Opposite Marriage too. She wants to marry a decent Christian man and have babies by him. I DO NOT believe there are nudie pictures of her out there. I've looked for them ALL DAY on the internet and I can't find them. It's just a LIE perpetrated by the Homosexualists like that Paris Hilton. They've also put out the other LIE that her jugs are not real. They look real enough to me. If they aren't it's NOBODY'S BUSINESS. DON'T ASK DON'T TELL. So LAY OFF CARRIE.

National Day of Prayer


Today is our National Day of Prayer and if you ain't, you should be. Here's the stuff I'll be praying for today: 1) Low taxes 2) A husband for my daughter Eustacia to get her out of the house. I've been praying for this one for so long I feel like a Christian martyr 3) For the Sanctity of Marriage 4) For our Troops - I couldn't join up because of my foot condition - I got two right ones, but God says they also serve who only stand and pray 5) An end to the Obama Nightmare however God wants to do that. nuf said 6) For the Homosexualists to either stop doing whatever it is they are doing - I don't want to know- or at least stop shoving it down America's throat 7) Victory over the Muslins 8) My lumbago 9) A new lawnmower because the old one is blown up and I'm afraid the Socialist city council here in Elgin is going to fine me if I don't cut the grass soon, and finally 10) To keep another Lieberal out of the Supreme Court so they don't take our guns. Thank You Jesus. If You only do 7 out of 10 that would be ok with me.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Maine falls to the Homosexualists


Maine has passed a law destroying the Sanctity of Marriage and you can bet your bottom dollar there will be no more lobster served in this American's home. Not that there ever was. They're too damn expensive and I was never sure which parts to eat anyhow. The skin is pretty tough. I'll stick to American hamburgers made from Texas beef and American fries made of Idaho spuds. Both red states and I don't mean red like a lobster or a Democrat or Satan. If Idaho and Texas go Homosexualist I don't know what I'll eat. I'd grow my own food but my back yard used to be part of the old Elgin National Watch Company where they dumped the radium tailings for the dials and I'm not sure if I should eat what grows there. The grass is a real interesting shade of green though. Maybe I should stock up on canned baked beans just in case. Anyhow, the number of states that have been taken over by the Homosexualists continues to grow and you can bet that God is not pleased. Neither am I. If the whole dang country goes gay I will NEVER find a husband for my daughter Eustacia. Not that it'll matter since marriage won't be worth a plugged nickel. Lord preserve us.

Elgin Men's Christian Revivalist American Militia


As First Supreme Commander of the Elgin Men's Christian Revivalist American Militia, I'd like to announce this year's membership drive. If you are a God-fearing man who believes we need to be ready to take back America from the Socialists who are trying to bring One World Government and worse, raise our taxes, and if you believe that Godless Lieberals are brainwashing our children to be homosexuals and will take away our guns, then EMCRAM is for you. You need to be a patriot, love Jesus and know how to use a gun. You will need to know how to read also so you can fill out the form. We meet on Saturdays. I usually bring the beer and my assistant, Second Supreme Commander Elrod Klempschmidt brings the sandwiches. Klempschmidt's a good man and his wife makes good sandwiches. American sandwiches with American cheese. No French bread or stuff like that. Since the Obama Nightmare began we've seen membership go up 50%. So there's 3 of us now, me, Elrod and Fremont, although he can only make it every other week due to having to take his kids from his ex-wife. They got divorced last year after the DUI thing. Fremont says it was a government setup and I tend to believe him, he being a good Christian and all. Anyway, if you'd like to join up just send me an email and I'll send you the form. It's only 3 pages. Remember you MUST be a Christian, a Man and an American, in that order and also be prepared to fight for your country, at least on the weekends. God Bless America.

Friday, May 1, 2009

Hello

In this blog I will be talking about my love for Jesus Christ Our Lord and His love for a Christian America and low taxes.